picture source:-business insider
Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit—Khalil Gibran
Love is one of the most important, yet most misunderstood emotions we
experience. Human brains are naturally wired for connection with others,
and we experience loneliness
and rejection as painful threats to survival. For both biological and
cultural reasons, many of us believe we need a lasting love relationship
to be truly fulfilled. Yet, in reality, love is not necessarily a
lasting, unchanging state. Long-time love is not automatic, but takes
hard work, unselfishness, and a willingness to be vulnerable.
Below are 10 science-based facts to help you understand what love really is—and isn’t:
Physical attraction is an important part of love for most of us, but
emotional love is different than lust. This is why one-night stands and
alcohol-fueled hookups don’t tend to lead to long-term relationships.
Studies that scan brains in real time show that we manifest lust in the motivation/reward areas of the brains, while love lights up the regions connected to caring and empathy.
2. Love is both a momentary feeling and a long-term state of mind.
There's something to the cliché of two hearts beating together as
one: New research shows that we do experience love in the moment as a
state of communion. In this moment of deep connection, people in love
mirror each other’s facial expressions, gestures, and even physiological
rhythms. But love can also be a lasting mental and emotional state in
which we care deeply for each other's wellbeing, feel moved by each
other's pain and motivated to help relieve each other's suffering.
3. Building lasting relationships takes work.
A meta-analysis of the best long-term studies of loving relationships
highlight some behavior patterns that couples with lasting love share:
Partners think of each other positively when they are not together; they
support each other’s personal growth and development; and they
undertake shared experiences in which they can learn and expand
themselves.
4. We can increase our capacity to love.
Research on mindfulness and self-compassion
show that practicing these strategies regularly can develop our brains
to be more positive and empathetic in a matter of months. Monks who
regularly practice compassion meditation
have a different rhythm of brain alpha waves than beginning meditation
adherents, or the average non-meditating person. Mindfulness and
compassion meditations increase activity in brain centers connected with
empathy and positive emotions, decrease activation of our fear centers, and make our brains more interconnected—a trait associated with the secure attachment pattern.
5. It's not just in your head.
A large body of research shows that loving connection is beneficial to long-term physical health—and loneliness and a lack of social connection have been shown to shorten our lifespans as much as smoking. (Just being a member of a church, synagogue, or community group lessens this effect.) For men in particular, marriage
improves long-term health—and the death of a spouse is a risk factor
for earlier death. We don’t know if this is because wives encourage
their spouses to take care of their health, or if it's directly related
to their emotional and physical connection.
6. If we focus on love, we can enhance it.
When we deliberately focus our attention on our feelings and actions
toward a loved one, we begin a positive reciprocal spiral of mutual
appreciation and happiness. Let’s face it: We all want to be thought about, cared for, and appreciated. Research also shows that expressing gratitude in words or actions actually creates positive emotions in the giver as well as the receiver.
7. It is not a fixed quantity.
Loving one person, even a lot, does not mean you have less to give to
others. In fact, the opposite is true: Love is a capacity you can build
within yourself through mental concentration,
emotional engagement, and caring actions. When we focus on and savor
our loving feelings for one person, the internal feelings of
satisfaction and connection we experience can motivate us to be more
loving in general.
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8. It is not unconditional.
One of the preconditions for loving feelings is a sense of safety and
trust. In order to connect lovingly and empathically, your prefrontal
cortex has to send a signal to the amygdala (the brain’s alarm center)
to switch off your automatic “fight or flight” response. People who
endured childhood trauma, neglect,
abuse, or other experiences that threaten secure attachment may have a
harder time switching off the “fight-flight-freeze” system—or feeling
safe enough to love. This reticence can be overcome with therapy
or, sometimes, by a partner who repeatedly demonstrates trustworthiness
and care. (However, if your repeated expressions of care are not
reciprocated by any heart-softening in your partner, it could be time to
consider moving on.)
9. It is contagious.
Expressions of caring, compassion, and empathy can inspire these
feelings in others. This may be why leaders such as the Dalai Lama or
Nelson Mandela inspire followers to be their best selves—and help them
calm down “fight or flight.”
10. Love is not necessarily forever, but it can be.
In Sonnet 116, Shakespeare wrote that “Love is not love that alters
when it alteration finds.” We now know that fixed, unchanging love is
possible, but not the norm. In fact, some theorists even question the
idea of a fixed, unchanging “self"—we are not the same person today as
we were 10 years ago. Life experience can alter our biology, thought
patterns, and behavior, and relationships may be challenged when one
person’s needs change or both partners grow in different directions.
That being said, researcher Art Aron and colleagues at Stony Brook
University have shown that, when thinking about their partners, the
brain scans of a minority of people reporting long-term, intense love
for their partners look the same as do the scans of individuals who
report being newly in love.
Source:-psychology today
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